


Always loved her

by Nomi_Uzelepo



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Character Study, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25182184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nomi_Uzelepo/pseuds/Nomi_Uzelepo
Summary: " She has always loved her.In the cold and empty corridors of an alien ship, somewhere in the immensity of space, Catra was slowly coming to terms with that realization. What Horde Prime said to her earlier has struck a deep cord within her. « Adora means something to you ». She could deny it all she wanted but she knew it was a lie. "During the beginning of season 5. Catra finally recognize her feelings for Adora, while being persuaded that she would never see her again.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Kudos: 55





	Always loved her

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first Catradora fanfic ever, so excited about it ! It's very short but it's a start, right ? I haven't written fanfiction since I was in middle school, but these two were just too much for my heart and so I had to do it ! Please be nice :')
> 
> English is not my first langage so I apologize if the grammar or syntax is weird/if the phrasing feels off. I have a strong "french person trying to write in english" vibe that I'm working to reduce. Do not hesitate to correct me, I always want to get better !

She has always loved her.

In the cold and empty corridors of an alien ship, somewhere in the immensity of space, Catra was slowly coming to terms with that realization. What Horde Prime said to her earlier has struck a deep cord within her. « Adora means something to you ». She could deny it all she wanted but she knew it was a lie. It was horrible, feeling so vulnerable and naked in front of Prime, who saw right past her facade, in the deepest part of her soul.

Love. It wasn’t something she has been taught among the Hordes. Everything was always about duty, order, obedience. That’s what authority figures kept pushing on them. All children were artificially conceived and gestated. As a result, romantic relationships and sex were strictly forbidden. It was seen as a dangerous distraction. Of course, it happened anyway. But when a couple was caught, they were severely punished and humiliating videos of them were diffused on giant screens. With the other cadets, Catra would laugh and mock the lovers, but each time it happened, she felt a horrible sense of dread inside her and would inevitably think about Adora. To chase her fear, she would always mock them the loudest, with the meanest comments.

Why was she so afraid ? She didn’t know. No words to describe her feelings. No weakness allowed. And feeling was a weakness. It was only with Adora that she allowed herself to feel. Only her had seen her cry. So many times, she had chased her, calling her name with worry seeping through her voice, as Catra was hiding to cry. And her careful eyes, her big smile with the front teeth missing, her warm embrace, were the only things that made her feel safe. Happy. Content. 

Memories were coming back. The dark cloud of anger and hurt that she felt behind her eyes when she saw her friend smile at Lonnie, talking to her, taking her hand to run around. She closed her eyes with all her strenght to chase away the tears. Why did she want to cry so bad ? Why did she want to scream ? Adora was hers. She hissed at Lonnie and before she could do anything, hit her in the face. And then she ran away.

She was always running away. Running away from her feelings. « It’s not because I like you, Adora ». She has said these words inummerable times since she was a little girl. She said them jokingly, but also, deep down, to convince herself. But now, absolutely alone in space, there was nowhere to run at last. When she closed her eyes, Adora’s face appeared again and again and she was flooded by a flow of painful memories.

How she liked to watch her sleep at night. Always ready to comfort her when she woke up from a nightmare, feeling afraid. How she always wanted to impress her, to show her she was strong and fearless too. How they spend hours in the dark, lying side by side, making plans for their future, giggling about stupid things and promising to always, always be here for one another. How she loved burying her head in her friend’s chest. How they wrestled and fought, how she liked feeling her close in these moments, how it made her feel like it was only the two of them in the whole world. 

As she grew up, her feelings for Adora took on a new layer. Catra noticed her friend’s beauty more and more. Of course, she always thought Adora was pretty, but now, she catched herself staring at her more and more...and feeling...things. Paying attention to little details : like the way Adora’s blond lashes would brush against her cheeks when she closed her eyes. Her hands. Her long fingers. Her mouth. The nape of her neck when she would gather her hair in her hands and lift it to tie her ponytail. She started feeling weirdly embarassed when Adora would casually change clothes in the same room. She would look away while being painfully aware of her best friend’s stripped state. She would feel agitated and hot, some part of her aching to turn her head around and look. But it felt so disrespectful and impure that she would feel deep shame and just stare at the floor while pestering Adora to hurry up. Their physical proximity became more charged to her, but she didn’t try to avoid it, because it would be like recognizing her turmoil. So they kept being close, sleeping in the same bed, brushing their arms, grabbing each other by the shoulders. Catra tried so hard to ignore these sensations – the weird feeling of her stomach twisting when Adora would wink at her, the rush in her veins when she would untie her long blond hair at the end of the day, the sudden heat that would rise in her whole body when Adora would pin her to the ground and straddle her during one of their fights – it was often painful, and confusing. She knew these feelings were forbidden of course, but it wasn’t what scared her the most. After all, breaking the rules was never a huge deal for her. What scared her the most was losing Adora, things changing between them. She feared being rejected, she feared her friend being disgusted with her. It was best if everything remained the same. 

It was so pleasing to tease her, make her blush, coax her with a sultry, seductive voice, and it didn’t have to mean anything. So easy to be arrogant and caustic, to act like she didn’t care. Didn’t care about Shadow Weaver’s mortifications, didn’t care about constantly being in Adora’s shadow. Act like she didn’t want her in some deep-seated, profound way for which she didn’t even had words. They were together, had each other’s back, it had to be enough. Adora meant everything to Catra. She couldn’t jeopardize their friendship.

And then came the betrayal, the intense feelings of hurt and despair, the anger, the hate. Adora had left her. Abandonned her for stupid princesses, like it was nothing, like it was easy for her. Like she didn’t mean anything to her. She felt so vulnerable, so stupid and weak, so unlovable. Of course Adora would leave her. She wasn’t good enough. Nobody could love her. To protect herself from these emotions and thoughts, it was just easier to hate her. The ache in her heart powered a burning, destructive rage and each time she wanted to cry, it just came out as more fury and violence. She would prove to Adora that she didn’t need her, she would crush everything she cared about to make her feel the pain she caused her when she left. Catra dug her nails in her palms while she recalled all the bad things she’s done out of anger, desperation and pride. All the harm she’s caused to her. The horrible things she said to her. Her Adora, the one and only person who had always been there for her. The feeling of guilt was hideous, she wanted to tear her face apart and cry, cry without holding back. 

How the memories with her were sweet. How she longed to be in her arms again. Longed to protect her sleep, listen to the tender sounds of her breathing, watch as her chest rose and lowered while smiling alone in the dark. Longed for her presence, her laugh, her touch, and for everything she has done to be erased. But this was impossible. Adora hated her. She made her hate her, driven her away. Where was she right now, far away on another star ? Struggling to be the hero again, trying to save them all. If only she could do something, tell her she’s sorry for everything, tell her she doesn’t have to die. « I love you Adora », she thought, as if she hoped Adora could receive this message at the other end of the galaxy. But she will probably never see her again. Never would she lay eyes again on the blond ponytail with the stupid hair puff, the limpid blue eyes, clear as pebbles immersed in water. Never would she touch her strong hands again, carefully stroke her pale cheek with the pulp of her fingertips, receive her beautiful smile that she loved more than anything. So Catra sat down and cried, finally letting the tears stream down her face.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this <3 Please comment if you liked it, it would mean so much to me and encourage me to write more !


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